25 5 / 2012
When I say someone changes my life, I FUCKING MEAN IT. Like… lalala I never thought that one day I’d record my life literally by the albums I listen to/the people I’m obsessed with like this before ;)
And I wonder if guys can ever fall for Best Coast because to me Bethany Cosentino just writes the best lyrics for GIRLS. So direct, so genuine, but not cheesey! She’s a true babe <3
So, what’ve I been up to? Basically, late submission for EVERY fucking essay. I can’t concentrate on academic stuff anymore. Remember the days when I DID successfully refrain myself from going on twitter and facebook and youtube (no tumblr yet at that time)?? I can’t now. 連發毒誓都唔得囉乜料？
Anyways, my TOTALLY fucked-up Year 3 has officially come to an end now. 有很多複雜的情緒是用文字/言語都難以表達的，我很慶幸在這年裡遇上了一些很好很好很好的人，也很感激those of you who actually STAY despite all my intolerable bitchiness。接下來，我會好好補救一下自己過往的所作所為的了！
最近一直在想：Perhaps everything really happens for a reason。既然無法預測未來，做錯決定又唔會死既話，勇敢地試一下便是了。
加油加油！And July please come earlier… #awwwww
16 5 / 2012
David Nicholls, One Day
one month crawling, next year blurring
this is so true
but thank you very much my dear friends! :) xxx
Permalink 1,906 notes
10 5 / 2012
So, I’ve just been spending the past several hours reading about same-sex marriage and some political issues in the US (both of which included tracking the Obama tag on tumblr lol) while I’m having an essay that is supposedly due tonight. As usual, I tried to convince myself that I’m procrastinating for the good because I can at least learn or gain something out of my procrastination (like all the band loves and random wiki exploration before).
And I’m amazed at how I’m so genuinely interested in all this gay right stuff. Then I thought about my university education. Had I not entered HKU and studied complit, I probably would never be half as sensitive and overwhelmed about the LGBT community as I am now. Not to mention the mild film buff side of me. If I had not been leading such a self-enclosed life off campus, I wouldn’t have had the time to listen to so much of the music I love now and ponder over trivial but serious matters like the meaninglessness of life on my own either. I wouldn’t have had so much Starbucks. And I probably wouldn’t have been on exchange at all. That’s why I always say uni education DOES shape our mindset.
I mean, I still hate school and I’m seriously fucking done with the academic world. I can’t wait to graduate and leave the hell RIGHT NOW. If possible, I wish I will never need to study for a master degree or anything in the future. But despite all my hatred, I would like to thank HKU for making me the person I am today. Most of the time I’m a tedious twat but sometimes I do love myself for… like, my music tastes.
Anyways, it turns out that the whole same-sex marriage debate is way much more complicated than I thought. And when you add all the “marriage itself is already a social constructed idea” shit to it, it just doesn’t push anything further but brings more pure confusion to mediocre people like me.
So, I guess I should get back to my essay now. Peace out.
28 4 / 2012
Dear Kasey,
If you read the last reading, the Joy of Living, last section, you will find passages about attachment and aversion. It is the same as what psychology calls anticipation anxiety. The more one anticipates/imagines fears of failing or losing something, the more one fears and avoids confronting the difficulty and thus fears/avoids doing things to make the situation better, the more one freezes in face of the fear the more one avoids doing something to better the situation, thus the more possible one ends up doing exactly what would make one fail or lose that something. In fact, the point is to see that the anticipatory fear is the fantasy/illusion of the super-ego, symbolic ideal, symbolic identification (Freud/Lacan) - we internalized an over-harsh, unrealistic fantasy criteria and applied it to judge oneself, thus scaring oneself into anxiety. Simply see this illusory super-ego thought pass through your mind, see how ungrounded, unrealistic, illogical, incoherent, unreasonable, inhumane, fleeting & illusory this thought created by your own mind is. And simply let go, just let these thoughts come and go in your mind as incoherent thoughts passing among all the other cascade of thoughts, observe it and let it pass. Then get on with the reality of the wonderful things one is already thinking and doing, which, if one continues to happily enjoy doing, will end up showing oneself how much better one already is than the super-ego thoughts think.
I hope this course really offers you the tools to set yourself free.
Please take it as a gift from me and use it.
***
Okay, I’m literally telling everybody about this email because I really can’t get over it. I can’t, she is seriously so good. TOO GOOD. Definitely the best teacher in HKU and probably in the whole fucking world okay???
All of a sudden, I don’t hate school anymore and I just wanna read Freud, Lacan, Deleuze blahhhhhhhh and spend the rest of my life reading more and studying blahblahblahhhhhhh
Whatever. Thanks so so much. Words can’t even express how grateful and honoured I’m to have been one of your students xxx
11 4 / 2012
May Sarton, Journal of a Solitude
腦袋裡什麼也沒有
然後一粒字也寫不出的感覺好恐怖
是真的好。恐。怖。
it seems i’m now even more inadequate than an inadequate machine you know what i mean? :(
and then 又發脾氣
nei hui sei la HKS
Permalink 1,173 notes
30 3 / 2012
我每次都一面凝視著閃閃飄浮在那樣沉默空間的光的粒子，一面努力想看出自己的心。我到底在尋求甚麼呢？還有別人到底在對我尋求甚麼呢？但總是找不到像答案的答案。我有時會試著把手伸向飄浮在空中的光的粒子，但指尖都接觸不到任何東西。
一九六九這一年，總是毫無辦法地令我想起泥沼。每抬起一步要移動時，鞋子便會完全脫落似地沉重黏著的泥沼。我在那樣的泥沼中，一面非常辛苦勞累一面走著。前方和後方都看不見任何東西。只有那色調陰暗的泥沼無止境地延伸著而已。
連時間都配合著我那樣的腳步搖搖晃晃地流過去。周圍的人老早已經往前走得很遠了，只有我和我的時間還在泥沼中蹣跚地繞著爬著。在我周圍，世界正急遽改變。但那一切的一切發生的事情全都只不過是沒有實體而無意義的背景畫而已。我幾乎頭也不抬，只是一天一天地過著日子而已。我眼睛裏所映出來的只是無限延伸的泥沼而已。往前踩下右腳，舉起左腳，然後又抬起右腳。連自己在哪裏都不清楚。也沒有信心是否正往正確的方向前進。只是不能不往什麼地方去，所以才一步一步移動著腳步而已。
***
在學校裡唸的是T.S. Eliot和Virginia Woolf，看的是談Holocaust、南京大屠殺、trauma的電影，在家裡隨手翻開的筆記本中寫滿了的是村上春樹和Kafka的文字，tumblr上看到的都是些depressing quotes和text posts；然後，聽的是這樣的歌。
I need to teach myself to feel again
Somehow I lost the thread of being human
Wrapped up in this bitterness, too much bitterness
I’m so confused
What is the function of this ego sickness?
Uselessly believing my self-hatred whisperings
And I can’t deal with mourning at the caucus of my failures any longer
我要爆炸了。
WHY？？？讀這麼多書便是為了要看得懂絕望的文字和歌詞然後令自己不開心嗎？這樣的話中五畢業後去做sales或waitress會不會就比較幸福？又或者，我可不可以有些比較實際和直接的願望，比方說，要賺好多好多錢和買名牌？有人可以告訴我生存的意義是什麼嗎？剛才坐的那架紅van，開得超快，旁邊是一輛想cut線和開得同樣快的的士，前面則是一架大貨車。然後我在想：司機你可不可以就開快一點點然後隨便撞上的士或貨車就好？我好想昏迷一兩天，又或者斷隻手斷隻腳訓一陣子醫院。
真的，我很累。身和心都很累很累。我的腦袋動不了，每天便只是變態地想著一大堆無意義的東西，什麼也不想、也不能做。你明白這種感覺嗎？那種完全失去所有活著的動力的無力感。
But like, even though you do understand, you can’t help me; and basically no one can, I know.
23 3 / 2012
and one day we will die
and our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea
you can skip every song i post on here, but not this one this time please?
music is truly the most most beautiful thing in the world
i’m crying now
i wanna leave
i wanna see more of the world
17 3 / 2012
there is a difference between waking up feeling crap and waking up feeling sad… you know what i mean?
today, it’s the latter
and in my opinion, this is actually better
we just need to be completely alone every once in a while
agree?
(Source: fearlessknightsandfairytales)
Permalink 3,249 notes
14 3 / 2012
已經extend了兩天的essay明天1730 dead
progress at the moment = absolute 0%
嚴重lack of incentive. 昨天明明是凌晨4點才睡, but all i’d done was freaking out over the early Libertines demos and later the Arctic Monkeys trends on twitter. 真的, i’m truly the QUEEN OF PROCRASTINATION. 你們全都及不上我的了 (其實應該也沒有人會想跟我比哈哈哈)
朋友們總愛對我說: 不是的, 不是的, 你不是討厭上學; 你不喜歡上課的模式罷了, 但你仍對正在唸的東西感興趣的, 對嗎?
yes or no? 因為我現在是真心覺得把明明可以很簡單的東西弄得這麼 (過於) 複雜是很無聊的一件事情. 不是說我們不應該思考每天在吃喝玩樂便足夠, 但問題是, i think what i’ve been going through in the past few years is already quite enough. 我很感激complit擴闊了我的眼界, 讓我認識了很多以前不知道或者是不唸complit便整輩子都不會知道的文學作品和重要理論, 並懂得怎樣break away from traditional binary ideas and think dialectically blahblahblah. 而且year 1時fine arts的美好時光已經長駐在我心中了. (話時回來, 那兩個1字頭的courses對我的影響真的很深; 還有, 可能是因為 “淺嘗即止” 的關係, 所以現在仍停留在眷戀的階段 :P)
唸夠了, university education has already changed my way of seeing things and equipped me with the skills to achieve that end. this may sound idiotically arrogant. but anyways, I’M DONE WITH SCHOOL. 餘下的就靠自己發掘下去好了.
今天在main building驀然看到一大叢粉紅色的花, 立時便衝口而出: oh shit, what is this? 好假囉, this ain’t no real flowers. this ain’t no the kind of flowers that’s bloomed from little sprouts and carrying the message that SPRING IS HERE! HOORAY! with them. no, they aren’t. they’re transplanted from somewhere else.
and then, you can guess it, I STARTED TO MISS EUROPE AGAIN. 現在每天醒來便感到快要被潮濕的空氣侷死, 人很累, 抬頭看不到天空, 即使看到一小角那一塊也絕不是藍天. 頂, this place is goddamn SUFFOCATING. i mean it, and i know how many times i’ve been saying this.
我很想念那個無雲得來又很像印象派畫中會出現的淡藍色天空, 我想起在lyon的山上第一次看到滿山是小黃花時心中那種無.以.名.狀.的感動! 以前從來不相信the weather can make or break your day這回事,而且看到people tweeting about spring excitedly會大惑不解—春天來了又怎樣? 不又是潮濕到個地下會瀨尿罷了?
但原來不是的, 春天的到來真的會令人很愉快, 那種因為季節更替而整個人心情也隨之轉換的感覺, 我終於明白了. 樹會開始變綠, 小黃花出來以後便到不同顏色的花逐點逐點地綻放, 天也越來越晚才黑. THAT is amazing.
又想到自己獨個兒在paris的墓園寫postcards抬頭看美麗的天空時心中平靜得覺得當時便突然死去了也沒所謂的情景.
最近, 雖然好像人間蒸發了般, 但其實生活方面是不錯的. maybe you can take it as “我癡左線” but i’m really feeling so fucking relaxed ALL THE TIME. i mean, i dun even feel bad about my bloody procrastination HAHAHA
like now, 我是真心覺得把這堆bullshit打下來會比開始做那條不夠20個鐘頭後便要交的essay重要.
and just look at my stream of consciousness. 咁樣講好扮野, but it seems i really can’t write in proper chinese anymore.
not a concern of mine though. yes, just be my wayward self. 我只想真誠地表達自己的想法, 沒什麼機心的. 朋友們, 希望你們都幸福 =)
nobody ever seems to remember that life is a game we play
we live in the shadows and we had the chance and threw it away
and it’s never gonna be the same
‘cause the years are falling by like the rain
and it’s never gonna be the same
till the life I knew comes to my house and says
hello
